Abstract
American psychologist, recognized expert in the field of emotional intelligence Daniel Goleman claims that our emotions play a much larger role in achieving success in the family and at work than it is believed.
But what is ""emotional intelligence""? Can it be measured? What is the difference between ""normal"" and ""emotional"" intelligence and why do the owners of the former often give way under the sun to the owners of the latter?
Do you want to find out the answers and learn how to cope with depression, anger, short temper, and become more successful? Read this book. It will be useful not only for students and teachers, but also for parents.
Aristotle's Problem
Anyone can be angry – it is easy, but it is not so easy to be angry with someone who deserved it, and to a certain extent, at the right time, with the right purpose and in the right way.
'Aristotle. Nicomachean ethics'
It was unbearably steaming already in the morning. In new York, it was one of those hot and humid August days when everyone is depressed by the feeling of discomfort. I was on my way back to the hotel. He boarded a bus on Madison Avenue. It was a shock to meet the eyes of a middle-aged black driver, who was beaming with joy. He greeted me with a friendly greeting.: ""Great! What's up?» This was how he addressed everyone who came in. Everyone was startled, but because of the weather and bad mood, few people responded to the good-natured greeting.
Meanwhile, the bus, taxiing out of the traffic jams, slowly crawled through the center of the afternoon city in the traffic, full as always at this hour. And on the way to the residential area there was a slow, almost magical transformation. The driver amused us with a continuous monologue about everything in the world: something unimaginable was happening in that store during the sale, and this Museum opened a wonderful exhibition. Have you heard anything about the new movie yet? It was recently shown at the corner movie theater… Admiration for the rich opportunities that new York provides to residents infected passengers. As they neared their stop, everyone was relieved of their sullenness, and when the driver shouted after them: ""Bye! All the best!"", with a smile answered him in the same way.
The memory of the Madison Avenue bus ride has been with me for almost twenty years. At that time, I had just completed my PhD in psychology; but at that time, psychologists paid too little attention to the mechanism of such metamorphoses. Psychological science knew almost nothing about the origin of emotions. But even then, as I imagined the virus of goodwill spreading through the city from the former passengers of that bus, I realized that the driver turned out to be some kind of local peacemaker. Almost a wizard, you might say, for he had transformed the sullen irritability that roamed through the passengers ' souls, softened their hearts a little, and made them kinder themselves.
Here are some reports from the weekly newspaper for comparison.
- In one of the schools, a nine-year-old student raged, covered desks, computers and printers with paint, and wrecked a car in the school Parking lot. The reason is that his fellow third-graders called him a ""sucker"", and he set out to change their minds.
- An accidental collision in a crowd of teenagers loitering outside a Manhattan interest club led to a brawl. Eight teenagers were injured. The fight ended with one of the aggrieved opening fire with an automatic pistol. The report says that in recent years, such shooting as a reaction to perceived disrespect is becoming more and more commonplace across America.
- According to press reports of murder victims under the age of twelve, 57 percent of the murderers are parents, stepfathers or stepmothers. In almost half of the cases, adults say they were ""just trying to discipline the child."" Beating to death is provoked by ""violations"" of the following kind: the child interferes with watching TV, cries, dirties diapers, etc.
- A German youth, a member of a neo-Nazi group, was tried for the murder of five Turkish women and girls: while they were sleeping, he started a fire. At the trial, he said that he could not keep his job, started drinking and blamed foreigners for his cruel fate. In a barely audible voice he explained: ""I do not cease to deeply regret what I did, I am infinitely ashamed."
Every day, the news stream abounds with similar messages. People are getting worse at getting along with each other, and this threatens everyone's security. Baser motives are attacking us, causing an unrestrained desire to destroy. This means that in our own life, in the lives of people around us, there is a large-scale out-of-control of emotions. They cause a wave of destruction, which, of course, is sometimes followed by remorse. So what? After all, everyone's life is under threat.
The last decade has passed under the drumbeat of reports showing how rapidly the number of ridiculous antics, manifestations of recklessness and irresponsibility in families, communities and collectives is growing. Here are stories about the outbursts of rage and despair of single children left by working parents in the care of a TV instead of a babysitter. Children who suffer from being abandoned, neglected, mistreated, or victimized by their parents ' promiscuity. Statistics show that mental illness is spreading more and more, and that there are more and more cases of depression around the world. There is a growing wave of aggression: teenagers with firearms in schools, shootings on highways, brutal murders of former colleagues committed by employees dissatisfied with the dismissal.""Emotional abuse"","" shooting cars on the road"","" post – traumatic stress "" - over the past decade, all these expressions have entered the everyday lexicon. Now at the end of the conversation, instead of an encouraging ""All the best!» we say skeptically: ""Come on!"".
This book will help you find meaning in nonsense. As a psychologist and journalist for the New York Times - and yours truly has been doing so for the past ten years – I have clearly noticed progress in the scientific understanding of the irrational. What strikes me most is the juxtaposition of two clearly opposite trends. On the one hand, there is a growing problem in the emotional life of society, on the other – there are some effective means of improving the current situation.
Why this study was needed
So, in the last ten years, disappointing information has been coming from all sides. And then representatives of the scientific world seriously began to analyze emotions. Among the most impressive results are studies of the human brain in the process of functioning. They became possible thanks to the latest developments in the field of optical imaging technology of the brain. For the first time in human history, scientists have been able to see what has remained a secret for centuries. We begin to understand how, while we think and feel, build mental images and dream, this unimaginably complex system of a huge mass of cells works. The abundance of data in the field of neuroscience helps us better understand how the brain centers responsible for emotions make us angry or cry. Or how the most secret parts of the brain that encourage wars or awaken love direct energy to good or evil. Such research is unprecedented. They reveal the mechanisms of violent expression of emotions and their weakening, and also show ways to get out of a collective emotional crisis.
By the way, I had to wait until the results of my research were ready to write this book. The reason for such a long delay was mainly rooted in this: previously, researchers devoted surprisingly little space to studying the role of feelings in a person's mental life. In the void thus created, a flood of various books on the topic of ""Help yourself"", replete with useful tips, developed at best based on the results of clinical studies, but certainly in the absence of a serious scientific base. Now science finally has the right to talk knowledgeably about solving urgent and very complex problems of the psyche in its most irrational manifestations. This means that you can map human feelings with more or less accuracy.
It will refute the opinion of those who hold a narrow view of intelligence. They prove that the degree of mental development 1 is set to us genetically, and why it can not change under the influence of life experience. That our fate is largely determined by the mental abilities that we are naturally endowed with. The argument is strong, but it does not remove the burning question: can we change anything to make our children live better? What factors work, for example, when people with a high IQ fail? Or when, on the contrary, those with modest abilities are surprisingly successful?
Personally, I am determined to prove that the reason is most often what I call ""emotional intelligence"". Self – control, zeal and perseverance, as well as the ability to motivate their actions-all this, as we will see later, children can be taught. And thus give them the opportunity to make the best use of the mental potential that has fallen out in the genetic lottery.
In this context, our moral imperative is clearly visible. The times have come when the structure of society is spreading faster and faster. Selfishness, violence, and spiritual squalor seem to destroy social well-being. This is why it is important to talk about emotional intelligence: it makes feelings, character, and internal moral stimuli closely linked. It is becoming increasingly clear that fundamental ethical attitudes are derived from the underlying emotional capacities. Impulse, for example, is a means of expressing emotions; the source of all impulses is the feeling expressed in action. For those who are at the mercy of impulses, that is, for people with insufficient self-control, it is characteristic to deviate from the strict principles of morality (after all, the ability to control impulses is the basis of will and character). In addition, altruism stems from empathy – the ability to capture and decipher the emotions of others. If there is no understanding of the other person's need or despair, then there is nothing to worry about. And if any moral positions are required in our time, it is these two: restraint and compassion.
Our adventure
In this book, I act as a guide on a scientific expedition to the land of emotions. The journey will help you understand some of the most difficult moments of our lives and the world around us. The purpose of the trip is to learn what it means to ""bring intelligence to the world of emotions"" and how to do it. This understanding may itself be useful to a certain extent. After all, penetration into the realm of the senses leads to the same result as in quantum physics: the observer changes the picture that he sees.
Our journey begins in part 1 with new discoveries about the emotional architecture of the brain. They explain the most discouraging moments in our lives, when feeling overwhelms all rationality. Understanding how the brain structures that control rage or fear, passion, and joy interact makes a lot of sense. We will learn exactly how to establish emotional habits that undermine our best intentions, as well as what we can do to suppress the most destructive, self-harming emotional impulses. And most importantly, the neurological evidence suggests that there are ""Windows of opportunity"" for developing emotional habits in our children.
The next long stop on our journey will be in part 2. There we will talk about how the characteristics of the nervous system of each person during life develop into a fundamental intuition called emotional intelligence. It allows, for example, to restrain an emotional impulse, to guess the innermost feelings of another person and to establish relationships – in General, as Aristotle said, to acquire the rare ability to ""be angry with someone who deserves, and to a certain extent, at the right time, with the right purpose and in the right way."" (Readers who don't want to go into neurological details can skip to this section.)
A person is given abilities that help him live his life. Among them, the main place is occupied by emotions – if, of course, to expand the content of the concept of ""being reasonable"". Part 3 discusses some of the differences defined by ""reasonableness"". How does this ability help to preserve the relationships that are most important to us, and its absence leads to their destruction? How does the nature of the market, which is changing the shape of our working life, encourage a person with developed emotional intelligence to achieve success in the workplace? Why do ""toxic"" emotions endanger our physical health as much as a pack of cigarettes a day? Why does emotional balance protect our health and well-being?..
According to the laws of genetics, we inherit a certain set of emotional attitudes that determine our temperament. However, the emotional circuits of the brain's reticular formation are extremely easy to influence, which means that temperament is not at all predetermined. In part 4, we will discuss how the emotional experiences we gained as children at home and at school shape our emotional patterns, making us knowledgeable – or inept. This means that childhood and adolescence are a kind of ""window of opportunity"" necessary for securing essential emotional characteristics that will govern our lives.
Part 5 of the book will reveal the dangers that lie in wait for those who do not learn to rule the realm of emotions during the period of maturity. How is it that a lack of emotional intelligence expands the range of risks – from depression or violent tendencies to eating disorders and drug abuse? In addition, we will get acquainted with schools that use advanced techniques, where children are taught communication skills and the ability to control emotions – that is, what will always help them choose the right path in life.
It should be noted that the most disturbing data is the mass survey of parents and teachers. They indicate a worldwide trend towards increasing emotional distress in the current generation compared to the previous one. Children become more irritable and unruly, more nervous and prone to anxiety, more impulsive and aggressive, and they feel more alone and depressed.
As for the means to remedy the situation, I think they should be found among the methods that we choose to prepare young people for adulthood. Until now, we have left our children's emotional education to chance, with increasingly horrifying results each time. One solution to the problem would be a new understanding of the role of school in human education. What happens if the mind and heart merge in the classroom? It is no accident that our trip will end with a visit to a new type of school, where the goal is to give children a good training in the basics of emotional intelligence. I foresee a time when it will become common practice in the education system to develop the most important human abilities – self-knowledge, self-control, and empathy. When people are trained to listen, resolve conflicts, and maintain cooperation.
In Nicomachean ethics, a philosophical study of virtue, character, and good living, Aristotle set out to teach people how to manage their emotional lives with intelligence. Emotions, properly used, contain wisdom: they guide our thinking, define our values, and help us survive. But they can easily lead us astray, which is all too often the case. As it seemed to Aristotle, it is not a matter of emotionality, but of the relevance of emotions and their expression. The question is how to bring intelligence to emotions – and at the same time politeness to our streets and attention and care to the life of our society.
Part 1. The emotional brain
Chapter 1. Why do we need emotions
Here is my secret, it is very simple: one sees clearly only with the heart. You can't see the most important thing with your eyes. Antoine de Saint-Exupery. The little Prince (translated by Nora Gal)
Let's remember the last moments of Gary and Mary Jane Chauncey, who loved their eleven-year-old daughter, Andrea, who was confined to a wheelchair with cerebral palsy. The Chauncey couple were among the passengers on the Emtrack train that fell into the river in Louisiana when the barge hit the support of a railway bridge over an arm of the river in the Delta. When the water rushed through the Windows of the sinking train car, they thought only of their daughter and tried to do everything possible to save Andrea. Somehow they managed to push the girl through the window, towards the rescuers. However, they themselves, not having time to get out, remained in the car, which went under the water.
Parents who performed a heroic act to save their child's life. This incident is evidence of almost fantastic courage. The history of mankind has countless examples when parents make unthinkable sacrifices for the sake of their children. From the point of view of evolutionary biologists, parental self-sacrifice serves the purpose of ""successful reproduction"" or the transfer of someone's genes to future generations. However, from the point of view of a parent who takes a desperate step in critical moments of life, it is only about love.
The example of parental heroism helps to understand the purpose and power of emotions. Self-sacrifice plays a huge role in our lives, but this is the case with any strong emotion. The deepest feelings, passions, and aspirations are our necessary guides in the world, and the human race owes its existence in many ways to their effective presence. Their power is extremely great: only a huge love, which resulted in the desire to save the adored child, could make a person despise the instinct of self-preservation. From the point of view of common sense, the self-sacrifice of a father and mother is unreasonable; from the point of view of feelings, they could not do otherwise.
To view human nature without considering the power of emotion is to be woefully short-sighted. In the light of the new understanding and vision of the place of emotions in our lives, now proposed by science, the name Homo sapiens – a reasonable person, a thinking person – is misleading. We all know from experience that when it comes to making decisions and determining a course of action, feeling takes into account every detail as much, and often more, than thinking. We have gone too far in emphasizing the significance and importance of only the rational – that which is measured by the degree of mental development – in human life. For better or worse, intelligence can be useless if emotions take over.
When passions control the mind
It was a tragedy of mistakes. The parents of fourteen-year-old Matilda Crabtree returned from visiting in the morning. Their daughter decided to play a prank on her father and jumped out of the closet with a cry of ""Poo-OO-OO!"
but Bobby Crabtree and his wife believed that Matilda was spending the night with friends. After entering the house and hearing a commotion, Crabtree grabbed a 9mm pistol and rushed to Matilda's bedroom to find out what was wrong. When his daughter came out of the closet, Crabtree shot her in the neck. Matilda Crabtree died twelve hours later.
The emotional legacy of evolution is fear, which mobilizes us to protect our loved ones from danger. It was he who defeated Bobby Crabtree to grab a gun and deal with the intruder, who, as he decided, illegally entered the house. Fear made Crabtree shoot before he fully realized who he was shooting at, and even before he recognized his own daughter's voice. According to evolutionary biologists, automatic reactions of this kind are firmly anchored in our nervous system: after all, during a long critical period of human prehistory, they determined the line between life and death. But more importantly, they contribute to the main task of evolution: to ensure that offspring can be produced that will continue to transmit these very genetic tendencies that, ironically, caused the tragedy in the Crabtree house.
Although emotions have always served us as wise advisers, the new realities offered by the current civilization have been formed with such speed that evolution, with its sedate pace, is clearly not keeping up with them. Indeed, the first laws and regulations of ethics, such as the code of laws of Hammurabi 2, the biblical ten commandments, and the edicts of the Emperor Ashoka 3, can be regarded as attempts to curb, soften, and civilize the expression of emotions. As Freud points out in Civilization and the dissatisfaction it caused, society was forced to impose rules in order to tame the waves of uncontrollable, overflowing emotions.
In spite of social restrictions, the passions continually overcome the reason. These features of human nature are determined by the nature of the mental sphere. If we talk about the biological structure of the main nervous circuit of emotions, then we are born with what has best proven itself in the work over the past 50 thousand generations of people. I emphasize: not the last 500 generations, and certainly not the last five. Slowly and carefully, the forces of evolution that shaped our emotions have been at work for millions of years. The past 10 thousand years, despite the apparently rapid rise of civilization and the explosive growth of the population from five million to five billion, have left a small imprint on our basic biological matrices.
For better or worse, our assessment of each unexpected meeting with someone and our reaction to such a meeting are not only the result of sound judgments and personal experience, but also an echo of the distant past. They form traits in us that sometimes lead to tragic consequences, as evidenced by the sad events at the Crabtree house. In short, we too often tackle the twentieth-century dilemma with an emotional repertoire adapted to the needs of the Pleistocene.4 This problem is solved in this book.
1. The book will also often talk about the coefficient of mental development (IQ, Intelligence Quotient, literally translated ""intelligence quotient""). The IQ test reveals the ability to think (not erudition).
2. Hammurabi (XVIII century BC) – king of Babylon. His creative hand touched all aspects of life. This is evident from his famous laws. Of the 272 articles, 247 have been preserved: criminal law, legal proceedings, theft, robbery, trade, family, urban planning, shipbuilding, slavery, etc. – Here and further, except in specified cases, approx.
3. Ashoka – ancient Indian king (268-232 BC). the extant edicts of Ashoka, carved on rocks, columns, and caves, are the oldest accurately dated epigraphic monuments in India. They allow us to judge the borders of the state, governance, social relations, religion and culture. Ed.
4. Pleistocene – the last modern system of the Earth's geological history, covering the modern era; it lasts about 700,000-1,000,000 years. The most important event of this period was the appearance of man.
Motivations to do something
One day in early spring, I was driving along a highway through a mountain pass in Colorado. A sudden snowfall hid the car in front of them, a short distance away. I stared at the swirling snow in front of me, but I couldn't see anything in the blinding whiteness of the snow. As I put my foot on the brake pedal, I could feel anxiety filling my body and hear my heart pounding.
My anxiety turned to overwhelming fear; I pulled over to the side of the road to wait out the Blizzard. Half an hour later, the snow stopped falling, visibility restored, and I continued on, only to stop again after a few hundred yards further down the road. There, an ambulance crew was reviving a car passenger who had crashed into the back of the car in front. The collision caused a traffic jam on the highway. If I had continued driving in the blinding snowfall, I probably would have run into them.
The warning fear that gripped me that day may have saved my life. Like a rabbit frozen in horror at the sight of a passing Fox, or a simple mammal hiding from an attacking dinosaur, I found myself in the grip of an inner state. It made me pause, alert, and alert to the impending danger.
All emotions are essentially impulses to action, instantaneous programs of action that evolution has gradually instilled in us. Actually, the root of the word ""emotion"" is the Latin verb moveo, meaning ""move, set in motion"", with the prefix e– (""e-""), which gives an additional meaning to outward orientation: ""move, remove"". So, each of the emotions awakens the desire to act. The fact that emotions lead to actions is most easily seen by watching animals or children. Only in ""civilized"" adults do we often find a colossal deviation from the norm of the animal Kingdom: emotions – the main stimuli to action – often diverge from the action itself.
Each emotion from our emotional repertoire plays a unique role, revealed by characteristic biological traits (for more information about ""basic"" emotions, see Appendix A). By adopting new methods that allow you to ""look"" into the human body and brain, researchers are discovering more and more physiological details of how each emotion prepares the body for completely different responses.
- In a moment of anger, blood rushes to the hands, allowing you to quickly and easily grab a weapon or strike an enemy; heart rate increases, and the release of hormones, such as adrenaline, provides a charge of energy that is enough for decisive action.
- When a person's fear sets in, blood rushes to large skeletal muscles, particularly the leg muscles, helping to run quickly from danger; man fades, what happens as a result of the outflow of blood from the head (there is a feeling that the blood ""run cold""). Instantly, the body freezes, though only for a short time, probably giving time to assess the situation and decide whether it would be best to hide in a secluded place as soon as possible. Circuits in the emotional centers of the brain trigger the release of hormones, putting the body in a state of General alert, making it burn with impatience and preparing for action. Attention is focused on the immediate threat: you need to quickly and better determine what decision to make in this situation.
- Among the many biological changes that occur when a person is happy, we note the increased activity of the brain center, which suppresses negative feelings, calms experiences that provoke disturbing thoughts, and promotes the flow of energy. At the same time, however, there are no special changes in physiology, except for the fact that a state of rest occurs. It allows the body to recover faster from the activation of destructive emotions. Such a device provides the body with a General rest, as well as a state of readiness and inspiration necessary for performing any urgent task and moving towards new large-scale goals.
- Love, tender feelings, and sexual satisfaction trigger the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system, which is physiologically the opposite of the ""fight or flight"" type of mobilization caused by fear or anger. The parasympathetic model, which duplicates the ""relaxation response"", is formed by a set of reactions distributed throughout the body, creating a General state of rest and satisfaction, contributing to psychological compatibility.
- By raising their eyebrows in surprise, the person increases the space covered by the gaze, and lets more light fall on the retina. As a result, it is possible to gather more information about an unexpected event in order to get the most accurate picture of what is happening and develop the best plan of action.
- Disgust is expressed in the same way everywhere and conveys the same feeling: something literally or figuratively smells bad or tastes unpleasant. The expression on the face of a person who is disgusted – the raised upper lip and slightly wrinkled nose – suggests an initial attempt, as Darwin observed, to hold the nose so as not to smell a disgusting smell, or to spit out something poisonous or disgusting.
- The main function of sadness is to help deal with an irreparable loss, such as the death of someone close to you or a serious disappointment. Sadness leads to a sharp decrease in energy. We stop being interested in anything that brings pleasure. The greater the sadness, the closer the depression, which leads to a slower metabolism. This self – withdrawal, with its accompanying introspection, provides an opportunity to mourn the loss or unfulfilled hope, reflect on its consequences for later life, and – with a return of energy-start planning new beginnings. The loss of energy probably kept the sad and vulnerable people of the ancient world closer to home, where they were safe.
Our life experience and culture contribute to the formation of a biologically determined predisposition to action. For example, the loss of a loved one causes everyone sadness and grief. But the way we reveal our grief – showing or holding back emotions until no one sees us – is shaped by culture. As well as what kind of people in our lives fall into the number of loved ones whose death we mourn.
Emotional responses were developed over a long period of evolution. This was a harsher reality than most people lived in after the actual story began. In pre – written eras, very few infants lived to be children, and very few adults to be thirty. Predators could attack at any time, droughts and floods put a person on the line between starvation and survival. But with the advent of agriculture and human communities, even in the most rudimentary form, the chances of survival have increased dramatically. Over the past ten thousand years, when the achievements of civilization began to spread around the world, the number of severe circumstances that held back population growth has steadily weakened.
Difficulties have made our emotional responses so important for survival. The weaker the responses, the less well-matched the rest of the emotional repertoire. If in ancient times, an instant anger could give a decisive chance for survival, in our days, the availability of automatic weapons for thirteen-year-olds too often turns its manifestations into a disaster.
Our two minds
A friend of mine once told me how she was painfully divorced from her husband: he fell in love with a young woman and suddenly announced that he was leaving. This was followed by months of bitter arguments about the house, money, and children. Time passed, and she began to say that she liked independence, that she was happy to be her own mistress. ""I don't think about him anymore – I don't care at all,"" she said. But after that, her eyes filled with tears.
The tears that filled her eyes for a moment might well have gone unnoticed. But empathic understanding – someone's tear-blurred gaze means that someone is sad, even though the w